The Cardibeans are a species native to Cardi-B.
Biology[]
Cardibeans are a green bipedal insectoid species that resemble human-sized crickets. Their teeth are quite strong, able to crunch through rock though cannot actually consume them. They do enjoy eating bones.
The genitals of Cardibeans are on the back of their skulls. And their ani, which number ten are located near the throat. The species also lack olfactory senses, making them unable to smell.
Cardibeans have regenerative abilities and can regrow their body parts if cut. Warm temperatures make Cardibeans molt a lot, which they are expelled from the back of their abdomens causing them to leave husks of their bodies like vaginal birth. It said that constant molting is quite painful. The molting process also strains the vocal chords, causing Cardibeans to temporarily possess high-pitch voices.
Cardibeans, bodily fluid is blue while their blood is purple. They have genders such as male and female, but are hermaphroditic and every year members of the species can alternate between expelling eggs or spermatozo. Cardibeans can egests 100 eggs from their foreheads. If these egested eggs are not fertilized within an hour, they evolve, attack and devour their mother and everyone else around them, getting bigger over time, turning into monsters. It's an evolutionary adaptation to discourage a once-thriving Cardibean hook-up culture.
The eggs themselves develop mouths and teeth, growing legs, becoming mobile and hairy. The last stage of development leads them to turn into a beast that resembles Satan, that has the head of a goat, with red eyes, and one big fang, and an antler. The arm of a cat, a talon, one bird wing, and one bat, and a horse leg, and the tail is snake. Coincidentally this newly matured egg turns into a being similar to Discord from My Little Pony. The creature is impervious to bullets, though can be affected by PCP, by consuming a human under the influence, which can cause them to commit suicide by removing its head. The blood of the creature is translucent, coined angel dust, tasting just like whatever your favorite beverage is.
The species is also capable of a kind of mind meld, allow two individuals to help each other envision whatever they want. But the process only works when there is a strong emotional connection between the pair and uninterrupted eye contact.
Cardibeans corpses apparently scream at night due to cooling gas still contained in their bodies. Additionally the have glorp sacs in their upper torsos that after decomposition, tend to explode.
Cardibeans also have an purple bean-like organ called a flermp gland. When not expressed by use of a hand, the gland can be regurgitated out of the body and act independently as its own being.
History[]
The Cardibeans are native to the planet Cardi-B, a planet that orbits three suns ad is always fall and home to mountains that mutate, trees that will try to eat you, and birds that have millions of eyes.
Unfortunately Cardi-B was dying due to the natives having used up all the natural resources. After the Cardibeans poisoned their environment, they sent an armada led by General Axatrax to clear Earth for resettlement. The intention was to have a clean slate, a chance to do it right this time.
To that end General Axatrax studied human culture in the form of various media such as the movie Hitch to understand human mating rituals and a bunch of Colin Quinn standup. And hundreds of hours of baseball to study humans' physical abilities in preparation for the attack. For the latter it was commented to be not the good use of time. The research video for baseball was Super Duper Baseball Bloopers which due to a mistranslation assumed it was factual of how to play baseball and not screwups. Though they have learned human dancing, after watching Dirty Dancing. The aliens also studied human emotions, developing human emotions flashcards, which oddly had specificity.
During the invasion the aliens destroyed the moon, attacked every nation on Earth, annihilating any inhabited human settlement or structure. The last human settlement on Earth slated to be destroyed by the alien invaders was Washington D.C., however the invasion was thwarted by a simple-minded American layman, baseball team player hasbin, Matty Mulligan and Lucy Suwan, a airhead woman and defacto Miss America. The pair having survived the initial alien onslaught used an hang glider, to approach the alien mothership. Through sheer dumb luck Matty threw a grenade into the open vents of the ship, a feature that was criticized by the General and had requested vent covers to make up for the design flaw. The mother ship exploded. Due to all the Cardibean ships possessing a the hive mind to the mother ship, all their spaceships go down together, and Axatrax is captured by the human soldiers.
Only 1,132 humans in Washington D.C. survived the invasion, most being actors, as apparently some were spared being slaughtered as they were wearing cricket costumes, for Cricket Wireless, causing them being mistaken for fellow Cardibeans. This left the survivors in the incompetent hands of newly elected President Matty.
Axatrax being the only survivor of the alien invasion pretends that he is in love with a human scientist named Farrah and fools her so that he can escape. Unfortunately, Farrah is too smart to be deceived and figures out that he needed coal to power his landing craft to escape. She tracks Axatrax down, and her human cyborg TOD-209 destroys the alien’s spaceship. With no way to escape, Axatrax is allowed to walk free because clearing his molts becomes troublesome.
Axatrax is relegated as a servant to clean the mess of the White House, but still doesn’t give up. Secretly, he continues to try to contact his planet. Though after interacting with the bumbling human characters, and seeing how they revel in their mistakes and failures, Axatrax had second thoughts in calling his planet, as he would be punished for his failure.
In a drunken stupor of his pathetic situation, he does make the call, goading his superiors to come and get him. They respond, causing him to become sober and fear for his life. He later realizes that his messages went to some Americans on a cruise ship, who arrive at Washington D.C. the end of season 1.
Culture[]
Cardibeans live by the Code of Kragnorp, a code whose ancient ways that is said to separate the species from the Work Slugs and Jewz. According to the Code, Cardibeans are expected to do their duty to their kind and acts as a moral compass justifying the Cardibeans in their need to spread their superior consciousness to inferior worlds.
According to one Cardibean, pulling a vehicle is an honor in his culture. And that talking to oneself is considered very cool. Said Cardibean who was a general also commented that he was prestigious enough to have a hat named after him.
Contrary to Earth, where men feel threatened by a smart woman, in Cardibean culture, it is the more intelligent partner who is recognized as being the one who dedicates when to be fertilized. Apparently Cardibeans appreciate brains akin to humans appreciate the posterior.
Cardibeans found eating intelligent beings like humans to be weird, as well as eating avians.
The planet orbits its suns once every 120 Earth years, thus an adult Axatrax is just three years old according to Earth’s time.
For all their advanced technology, the Cardibeans rely on coal as a power source.
Cardibeans also eat cats.
Arts and Entertainment[]
Cardibeans on a cultural level appear to similar to humans. Besides leading an army of conquerors, they also have hobbies such as cooking, artistry, modeling acting, comedy, etc.
Cardibeans for leisure enjoy spinning a cocoon, filling it with urine and soaking in it. Earth humor is similar enough for Cardibeans to understand and appreciate. They also have insult humor which is apparently universal. Oddly Cardibeans never developed alcohol, nor are familiar with being inebriated or experiencing hangovers.
Though they possess an exoskeleton, they rely on clothes to be decent and also have jean shorts.
Politics[]
Democracy is regarded as insane, due to its bureaucratic shenanigans and red tape. The position of Vice President also appears to be nonsensical to the aliens as they see it as a stepping stone for an assassination on the current leader. The Cardibeans are led by a council of elders.
Law and Punishment[]
Failure among the Cardibeans is not tolerated, as it is in the case with humans, and any infraction is immediately punished with either torture, being sent to the doghouse filled with Laser Alligators or having their ani packed with explosives and being catapulted into a sun.
Cardibeans delegated their chores via a chore wheel, which was a disciplinary device that crushed those who do not complete their chores.
Religion[]
They have their own version of Jesus, which they refer as "Thousand-tentacled space Jesus."
Terminology[]
- bloopers: "highlights"
- Code of Kragnorp: A Cardibean code of honor.
- Dak-ree: "We're here"
- Flizza-Flamma Pie: A Cardibean food made of mud and sulfurous pluff contrived of sulfur gas from decomposed marine life.
- glabzorn: A personal partner.
- goo sack: A derogatory term for humans.
- Gorp craft: A coal-powered flying chariot machine.
- Shazbot: Expletive similar to "Jesus" to express exasperation in a social situation.
- skorplon: a Cardibean monetary unit.
Known Cardibeans[]
- Axatrax: The Cardibean general who was in charge of the invasion of Earth. After losing everything to Matty, he becomes a prisoner/slave/confidant of the new President of the United States of America.
- Jeeblort Goldfarb: A Cardibean comedian, who died during the alien invasion.
- Zarkovon: Vice Chancellor of Cardi-B.
- Zeenorp: Axatrax's sister's glabzorn, and also Cardibdean who was in charge the design of the armada's mother ship. The vent structural design flaw is what caused the failed invasion of Earth. Apparently Zeenorp did not go through with Axatrax's request to have them shielded as doing so would have costed 400 skorplons.
Source[]
- Mulligan: Season 1: Episode 1: "The Great Mulligan"
- Mulligan: Season 1: Episode 2: "Morning in America"
- Mulligan Season 1: Episode 3: "Grand Old Party"
- Mulligan Season 1: Episode 4: "The Stamp Act"
- Mulligan Season 1: Episode 5: "The Stench"
- Mulligan Season 1: Episode 6: "Opening Day"
- Mulligan Season 1: Episode 7: "Egg Hunt"
- Mulligan Season 1: Episode 8: "Matty’s Treasure: Book of Seeds"
- Mulligan Season 1: Episode 9: "Not My President"
- Mulligan Season 1: Episode 10: "The Love Choice"